Time off - awesome freshy jokes!

[dorveishique]

Some time off:)

Why it is good to be a man?

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work... more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me.".
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.


Some funny Questions and Answers.

1.Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

2.Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: "What Men Know About Women."

3.Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One ... men will screw anything.

4.Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.

5.Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know .... it's never happened.

6.Q: What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

7.Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A: E.T. phoned home.

8.Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: I can do better.

9.Q: What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: 1. No mind. 2. No business.

10.Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay.

11.Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

12.Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and Filthy but wearable.".

13.Q: Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it.".
A: Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?".


Some major funny ifs.

1.If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
2.How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
3.Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
4.Why is abbreviation such a long word?
5.Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
6.Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.".
7.Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
8.Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
9.Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
10.If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
11.If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
12.If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
13.Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
14.Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
15.You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
16.Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?


About Wifes.

1.I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
2.My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
3.Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
4.She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
5.My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!".
6.She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
7.She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!".


Blonde one liners...

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that...........
1. she called me to get my phone number.
2. she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate.".
3. she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
4.she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
5.she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
6.she tried to drown a fish.
7.she thought a quarterback was a refund.
8.she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
9.she tripped over a cordless phone.
10.she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
11.she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.


Boy, I am luffin' here




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[n!z4th]

ultimamente il forum è invaso da gente poco raccomandabile...

[BBB]

ultimamente il forum è invaso da gente poco raccomandabile...

Why? He's Irish.

yahooo!

Ye hiii haaaa!

As I was going over the far famed Kerry mountains
I met with captain Farrell and his money he was counting.
I first produced my pistol, and then produced my rapier.
Said stand and deliver, for I am a bold deceiver,

musha ring dumma do damma da
whack for the daddy 'ol
whack for the daddy 'ol
there's whiskey in the jar

I counted out his money, and it made a pretty penny.
I put it in my pocket and I took it home to Jenny.
She said and she swore, that she never would deceive me,
but the devil take the women, for they never can be easy

I went into my chamber, all for to take a slumber,
I dreamt of gold and jewels and for sure it was no wonder.
But Jenny took my charges and she filled them up with water,
Then sent for captain Farrel to be ready for the slaughter.

It was early in the morning, as I rose up for travel,
The guards were all around me and likewise captain Farrel.
I first produced my pistol, for she stole away my rapier,
But I couldn't shoot the water so a prisoner I was taken.

If anyone can aid me, it's my brother in the army,
If I can find his station down in Cork or in Killarney.
And if he'll come and save me, we'll go roving near Kilkenny,
And I swear he'll treat me better than me darling sportling Jenny

Now some men take delight in the drinking and the roving,
But others take delight in the gambling and the smoking.
But I take delight in the juice of the barley,
And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early

[BBB]

Ma soprattutto:

It's lonesome away from your kindred and all
By the campfire at night where the wild dingos call
But there's nothin' so lonesome, so dull or so drear
Than to stand in the bar of a pub with no beer

Now the publican's anxious for the quota to come
There's a faraway look on the face of the bum
The maid's gone all cranky and the cook's acting queer
What a terrible place is a pub with no beer

The stockman rides up with his dry, dusty throat
He breasts up to the bar, pulls a wad from his coat
But the smile on his face quickly turns to a sneer
When the barman says suddenly: "The pub's got no beer!"

There's a dog on the verandah, for his master he waits
But the boss is inside drinking wine with his mates
He hurries for cover and he cringes in fear
It's no place for a dog round a pub with no beer

Then in comes the swagman, all covered with flies
He throws down his roll, wipes the sweat from his eyes
But when he is told he says, "What's this I hear?
I've trudged fifty flamin' miles to a pub with no beer!"

Old Billy, the blacksmith, the first time in his life
Has gone home cold sober to his darling wife
He walks in the kitchen; she says: "You're early, me dear"
Then he breaks down and he tells her that the pub's got no beer

It's lonesome away from your kindred and all
By the campfire at night where the wild dingos call
But there's nothin' so lonesome, so dull or so drear
Than to stand in the bar of a pub with no beer

[BBB]

Dumma duma ieeee!

Hello Saint Patrick, you are so so so so Drunk!